ome people regret not turning their tongue seven times before speaking, while others pride themselves on always saying everything that’s on their mind. Where is the limit of sincere speech?

Noubia, a 25-year-old saleswoman, did not pause for breath until she concluded her outburst with these words: “And for all those reasons, I’m giving you my resignation!” Her lateness, her negligence? She laughs: her “boss should start by putting her own private life in order first,” she retorts. But now she’s crying: “I loved my job, and that woman was so kind to me…”

“When our emotional engine takes control, images rush through our mind,” analyzes educational psychologist Alain Sotto. “We evacuate them through speech, without our thoughts ever being able to measure the consequences.” The problem arises when this crisis-mode behavior becomes the norm. “We are victims of the trend toward spontaneous speech,” he continues. “But replying instantly is no guarantee of effectiveness; being spontaneous does not mean being sincere!”

I Want to Stay True to Myself

Marine, a 32-year-old mother, opens her eyes wide: “I cheated on my husband once, and I confessed it to him. I take responsibility for who I am, even when I’m not proud of myself.”

“Marine wants to be loved for who she is, unconditionally,” comments psychologist and psychoanalyst Michael Stora. “But only very young children are loved that way — for their smile, their rosy cheeks. Around the age of six, a child learns to lie and discovers that they can also be loved for what they say. That’s the beginning of autonomy.” Through secrecy, they experience the anxiety of separation. “People who can’t hold anything back are often stuck in childish behavior,” notes the psychoanalyst. “Saying everything is a form of exhibitionism that can make others uncomfortable.”

I Speak Without a Filter

“Spontaneous speech is triggered by a vital impulse that is often negative,” explains Françoise Keller, a coach specialized in non-violent communication. Someone throws a piece of litter in the street? “We feel like calling them a pig. If we tell them they’ve ‘dropped something,’ that’s a first step toward humor. But deep down, what we really want is to make them feel ashamed.”

She defends the idea that “every word should carry the intention of caring for oneself and for the other person. It would be more effective to convince the inconsiderate person to adopt our values of cleanliness.”

For her, expressing oneself without a filter usually borders on violence, even if the intention is good. “The other person can feel attacked by a kind phrase that’s too sudden or disproportionate.” The difference between asserting oneself and attacking? “It’s taking into account the sensitivity of the person who receives our words,” she answers.

I’m Afraid of Seeming Hypocritical

“Staying vague to avoid commitment — that’s my father’s attitude,” recounts Julien, a 35-year-old elementary school teacher. “Probably in reaction to that, I make sure never to have double standards.”

The intention is virtuous, but, asks Françoise Keller, “doesn’t Julien force his conversation partner to think along with him, to position themselves in relation to him? He puts himself at the center of the exchange and wants to be ‘validated’ by the other. That’s asking a lot.”

To find the right tone, it’s important to adapt to each personality, “even if that means not saying the exact same thing to everyone we speak to — what matters most is showing empathy and kindness,” concludes the coach. With or without words.

Testimony

Amy, 37, nurse

I spent a vacation with a friend who made my life hell: I didn’t pay enough attention to her, I flitted around too much… When we got back, I went silent. I didn’t have the strength to endure a confrontation, but I also didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of being right by staying quiet. My therapist suggested another approach: talk to her about the weather and trivial things. She wasn’t fooled by these artificial words. But the most surprising thing was this feeling of freedom, this inner strength that overwhelmed me: simply the joy of discovering that I wasn’t obliged to say everything I thought.

ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO SAY EVERYTHING THEY THINK

Learning to Keep Quiet
For educational psychologist Alain Sotto, “it’s never too late to learn to internalize one’s thoughts — a mental habit acquired by children who are listened to in their family and who don’t feel the need to prove their existence. They have the time to reflect, to evaluate the usefulness of their words before speaking.”

By avoiding speaking “in the heat of the moment,” we can also give ourselves the right to delay our speech. Double benefit: we feel smarter… and better listened to.

Listening to Both Our Inner Voices
Let’s explore a particular situation in which we regretted our words, and then “listen to the part of ourselves that judges,” invites coach Françoise Keller, “but above all, the part that wanted to express itself — our vital impulse.” Let’s recall the context, the words of others, and try to be tolerant toward ourselves. The better we understand that vital impulse, the better we’ll express it in the future.

Finding the Right Way to Speak
By eliminating all forms of judgment, and anything that might evoke submission or guilt, “we take control of our intentions.” According to Françoise Keller, this means “setting aside negative feelings, prioritizing what’s important, and finding the positive message that exists in any piece of information, even unpleasant ones.” Above all, it means accepting the risk of being misunderstood.

“We have no control over another person’s sensitivity. We can only hope to be received in our authenticity.”